i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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