...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
