Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
