if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
