He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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