You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
this will be a night to untag.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
