Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
