Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
