That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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