the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize