please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Randomize
