the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
