This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
