i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
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