so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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