Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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