I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
