Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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