Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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