So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
