I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
