On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
