She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
