Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
