Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
