He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize