If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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