3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
