You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I'm eating all of the evidence.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
