Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
