im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
