He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
