I think I died a long time ago.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
