I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
