wrigley field is MILF paradise
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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