so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
