I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
