I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
