I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
