what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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