just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize