Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
The Olympian is in my bed
Randomize
