I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
