someone threw a dead crab at me
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
