smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
