I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
it's great music for shaving your balls
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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