if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize