mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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