just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
