woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
