thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
