He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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