Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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