Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
